Adam King's blog : Why Do Men to Look at Porn While in a Relationship?
Question by Jane:
I am just curious as to why it’s become so acceptable for men to look at porn whilst in a relationship, and what are your views on this? I know women look at porn to, but we all know not nearly as many women do as men, and i’ve heard of many relationships, even marriages failing because of porn, and in all cases it’s been the man. I myself have just broke up with my partner, he is ten years older than myself, and I thought he’d of been more of a gentleman because of this. It seems to me, that porn is viewed by men mostly under the ages of say 45. Because of our generation, being able to access porn is easy to us. I know men are more sexually stimulated than women and have a stronger sex drive, and I don’t mind if my partner has to look at one image while i’m not around so he can pleasure himself, what I object to, is numerous images of glamor models and graphic porn.
The media is doing more harm now than ever before. Women who are naturally thin want to have a more curvy body type to live up to the glamor model fantasy, so end up buying breast implants, and women who are bigger, want to be thin and end up starving themselves. No matter what you can’t win, it’s very hard as a woman in this day and age, to feel physically satisfied when women are objectified everywhere. More to the point, women in porn are big fake boobs, and slim bodies, and men are just regular looking. When you come home to find numerous images on the computer of naked women with figures the opposite of yours, of course it’s bound to make anyone feel inadequate, like it did myself.
Research has shown that the link between breast implants and suicide is rising because of woman’s deeper insecurities, I don’t think people see the bigger picture, as to how this portrayal of women, and men fantasizing about it, is scarily effecting a woman’s well being. I won’t tolerate porn in my relationship, i’d actually rather be alone that feel insecure about my body with a partner that needs to look at glorified women. If more women put their foot down and wouldn’t tolerate it, there would either be a world full of lonely men wanking off to porn, or they would stop being disrespectful and lust only after their true love. Are there any gentlemen out there that see where I am coming from or agree even? I’d just like to hear other peoples opinions on this subject, are there any people out there in today’s world that have morals and standards, I am a 20 year old female, and I feel like I am on a different wave length than most people.
Our Response:
Hi Jane,
It’s true that many marriages and relationships have been threatened by the sexual excesses and “artificiality” induced by the porn industry. Porn induces a fantasy world of glamorous bodies, willing sexual excesses, artificial lust and ravenous appetites. The marked word here is “fantasy” or the unreal. Porn is about visual gratification to cater to the voracious appetite for “stimulation” among men.
But are men who watch porn really ungentlemanly or perverted or lewd? Do they really look down upon their wife or girlfriend for not having the “perfect” body a porn star has? There is no straight answer because not all men are alike. Suffix to say that most men do feel “guilty” about watching excess porn. They know that they are being suckered into a “fantasy” world; they know that a sex starved generation is not what they want to be a part of; and they do feel lousy after having wanked off to porn especially when they do it out of desperation and many feel totally perverted about looking at all women as “sex objects” due to their increased fixation with porn. Men are human too and they know what’s wrong and right, many live in oblivion but that’s a different story.
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Do men really want a ‘porn star’ in their partner?
No they don’t. Contrary to what many women think, most men want deep relationships. They want to give and receive love; they want to feel an emotional bonding and they want to share their happiness and sorrow with their partner. Men are seeking fulfilling relationships which go way beyond the surface level satisfaction of sex.
I disagree with your point that men in porn are regular looking. Men in porn are shown to be ultra manly as well. They are shown to have larger than normal organs and this does have an impact on men as well. No wonder penile enlargement is so popular. So to say that porn only effects the self image of women would be wrong.
Men are wired for visual stimulation but it’s completely unintentional
It’s completely true that almost all men watch porn. Some in excess and some in moderation. As you rightly pointed out, men are “visual” beings and they have a strong sex drive which is hardly their fault because it’s in the male gene. The easy availability of porn on the internet just makes it all the more difficult for them to not give in to their weakness, if you can call it that. Men don’t watch porn out of a conscious need but an unconscious almost inherent pull towards visual stimulation. Simply put men are wired to sex by nature, but that does not mean they are depraved, cold or ungentlemanly or cut off from human emotions.
He still loves you!
It’s hard for a woman to understand how a man can gape at so many porn videos and nude images while still claiming to love her. But it is true, just because he watches porn does not mean that he does not love you for who you are. Porn is his “fantasy” and most men know that it’s just a fantasy, a channel for some visual stimulation. There are a few men who do turn in porn addicts, who are completely cut off from their humane nature and emotions, these men objectify all women as walking sex dolls and can never relate to women at a human level. But such men are really a minority.
Stop taking porn seriously
It’s important for women to stop taking porn so seriously because that’s like fighting a losing battle. You don’t have to compare your body to that of a porn star because unless your man is really juvenile he knows that porn is simply unreal. It’s just a fantasy world that many men indulge in from time to time, something like a pleasure activity of sorts. If you are stuck with a porn freak it’s a different story altogether, but as said earlier only a minority of men behave this way.
You cannot call a man characterless or perverted just because he likes to watch porn. In fact a man will never draw a comparison between a curvaceous, artificial breasted porn star and his wife; there are exceptions of-course but they are a minority. Men bond with their wives when they are in love, most men have tender, sensitive hearts and are longing for love from their girlfriend or wife, though they may not make it evident. Hardly any man would feel proud of spending time wanking off to porn, but sometimes they just can’t control this impulse for visual stimulation or indulging in fantasy. Don’t hold it against them.
Focus on the Love
Look for a man who loves you truly, who shares an emotional bond with you. Reciprocate his love genuinely. Accept a few manly eccentricities he might have just the way he will accept your imperfections. We are all human, and none of us is perfect in any way. Love is about acceptance. That’s what is so badly lacking in most relationships today. Love does not blossom in the presence of judgment, criticism or false perceptions. It can only exist when there is understanding and deep acceptance of the other person as a human being who has imperfections. This is true for men and women alike because both parties are guilty of being far too judgmental and critical of each other, especially in today’s world.
So here’s the conclusion
- I am not justifying porn but the end point is that you absolutely don’t need to worry about your guy watching porn. The point is that he loves you and love is a deep emotion and cannot be broken by images of porn stars.
- If your man is actually comparing you to the porn stars and wants you to get implants or make any other changes to your body then this is a problem. You got to get out of the relationship as quickly as possible. Find a man who loves you and accepts you for who you are.
- If you have a problem finding lewd pics in your PC then ask your man to clear the browser memory as and when he views them. Tell him that you find the pics disgusting and will not like them see them in the PC.
- Focus on the relationship rather than changing his beliefs and likes. You went into a relationship with this man because you liked something in him. Something clicked between the two of you. Focus on that.
- Remember that the man fell in love with you because you were special; someone with whom he could relate to on a deeper level. No porn star can even match up to this feeling that you generate in him.
- As a final tip, stop feeling insecure about your body. If you don’t love your body, you won’t be able to love anyone else. Everyone around you is just a reflection of what you think in your mind. Accept yourself as you are and you will be more accepting of others.
Response from Jane:
Thank you for getting back to me so soon, I appreciate your advice and opinions, and I think you brought up some valid points. However, I still don’t think you quite understand what i’m saying. My boyfriend even admitted that if it was the other way around and i’d of looked at images of men that physically represented everything he was not, he would also feel like he couldn’t live up to my fantasys. I don’t think men can understand when they haven’t found their partner looking at other naked glorified men. It’s like we just have to accept that our significant other looks at glorified naked women. Of course we feel inadequite, i’m not the only one and I know that. If men liked real women as much as these fantsy models, and appreciated their girlfriends body type, they would look at pictures of normal women without exagerated bodies. But they don’t, do they? Try putting yourself in a womans shoes. It is only so accepted because women feel they have to put up with it. It’s not fair that men can get away with this. This is a big reason why so many women under go surgery, it’s not right, and I set my own standards and i’m proud of that :) So should other people.
I would never dream of lusting over other naked men, I expect the same respect back. Women should take the porn issue seriously if they dissagree with it, stop using the ‘every man does’ it excuse because it’s out of order. Sorry, but i’m sure some will agree with me, and of course some will dissagree. You cannot say “stop feeling insecure about your body” When there are numerous pictures of glamour models on your partners computer, and none of women who look remotly like yourself. When you look at magazines on shop shelves, do you see any porn for women or lubed up muscle men? Nope, millions of magazines objectifying women though, so no, you wouldn’t understand being a man, so I don’t think you have the right to say some of the things you are so easily saying. It’s not okay, not by me anyway, and I am a loving person that respects my partner 100% I definatly deserve that given to me to, and I won’t settle for any less nor should others, thank for reading :)
Our Response:
Your point is well taken, of course a man would feel completely betrayed and lousy if he sees his wife ogling at pictures of naked men. It does not really look fair at all that men get away with it. I am all for men being more disciplined and controlled especially when they are in a stable relationship. Respect and love go hand in hand; it’s difficult for love to exist without respect. It’s important for a man to take care that he does not hurt the feelings of his partner in any way.
But in your defiance you have forgotten a critical factor – Mother Nature. Boys are made from frogs and snails and puppy dog tails while girls are made from sugar and spice and everything nice. Nature did it. It’s so important to understand men and women have completely different genetic and biological structures. A woman can never understand why a man behaves the way he behaves, frankly a man can’t either because he is quite helpless to his ‘genetic’ drives.
Keeping this in mind I would just like you to consider a few perspectives.
1. Why don’t most women watch porn or ogle at glorified, lubed up images of naked men?
It has nothing to do with “moralistic” standards, neither is it because they don’t want to hurt their man. Women don’t look at porn because they don’t feel like it. Women have a completely different “genetic” and biological make up compared to men. This dictates the factors that cause sexual arousal in a woman.
Women are more stimulated by emotional responses within their body, instigated by feelings of attraction towards a man. For a woman a man’s body is not at all the factor that triggers attraction; if this was the case most fat men would be roaming bachelors. Women are attracted to the “manliness” in a man or rather the vibe of his manhood. They feel sexually stimulated when they feel a strong emotional attraction for a man and it has nothing to do with how he looks naked.
Women don’t feel sexually stimulated looking at lubed up naked images of men; they actually feel disgusted in most cases. But that’s not a brownie point for women; this is how they are “genetically” made up; it’s not a conscious decision on their part. This is the way they biologically respond. This is how their hormonal structure is. All of these factors are completely beyond conscious control. Women are women because of their genetic makeup; so it’s completely out of context to compare a man and woman using the same standards.
2. Why do men want to look at glorified images of naked women?
Men are wired for “visual” stimulation. Men feel sexually aroused when they look at a woman’s body. This is not because men are “amoral” but because this is the “genetic” make up of men. Men look at porn because they ‘naturally’ feel like it. They look at glorified nude women because they naturally respond sexually to such images. Men get aroused watching the curves on a woman’s body, just like a woman gets aroused in the company of a “manly” male.
Women are not “visual” creatures; they have to feel emotional attraction to feel sexually aroused. On the other hand, men feel sexually aroused purely through “visual” images; they don’t have to feel any emotional attraction to get aroused. Mother Nature is completely responsible for these behaviors. So none of the sexes can take credit for it.
Men behave this way because they are men; they have a completely different genetic and biological make up compared to women. A bull does not behave like a cow does he? It has nothing to do with moral standards. Moral codes dished out by the society have always suppressed a man’s sexuality to the extent the many men feel guilty of their sexual impulses. Can men really help what happens in them naturally? Would that not be inner violence?
Women don’t become more “moralistic” because they don’t watch porn, it’s simply because women don’t feel like watching it as it does not stimulate them. How can you take credit for something that happens in you naturally?
3. Men can never behave like women because of genetic and hormonal differences
Genes and hormones are not in your conscious control. DNA encoding cannot be changed through “thinking” or wanting to behave different. A man is a man because of his DNA or genetic make up and he cannot stop being one no matter how hard he tries.
If you end up with a man who has no interest in watching glorified images of naked women, then he’s most probably gay. You are never going to encounter a “non gay” man who does not get sexually stimulated by naked women with model figures.
If a woman suddenly finds herself in a man’s body she will understand the havoc that testosterone plays with his thinking. Then she will know why a man behaves the way he behaves, that will surely give rise to empathy.
4. Porn does not trigger emotions in a man, it only triggers visual stimulation
Love, respect and companionship are emotions that all men feel towards their beloved. A man does not feel these emotions towards a naked porn image of a woman, he just feels “stimulated” or aroused, that’s because the “visual” of a naked woman, with undulating curves, gets his hormones pumping.
Does that mean that he will fall in love only with women who have glorified model like bodies? Not at all, in fact no chance of that happening. Love is an emotion that arises in a man when he is in the company of a woman who triggers this gushy emotion in him. She doesn’t have to be a “model” to make a man fall in love with her. Her personality, her interests, her attitude and her humanness is what triggers the feeling of love in a man.
It’s important to understand that though men are genetically different from women, the factors that trigger love is the same for both men and women. Love just happens when the right people meet; it has very less to do with the physical appearance. Love goes beyond the skin, and this is true for both men and women.
But when it comes to sexual arousal, men are completely different women. This has everything to do with genes, and hormonal structure, and nothing to do with “morality” or “character”. A man is being natural when he feels aroused by images of naked women, the more visually pleasing the better.
5. Women who have fulfilling relationship with the men realize that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
The way it looks like, it almost seems like men and women are totally different “species” altogether, thanks to their completely different biological make ups.
A woman who sets “womanly” standards for a man is always going to be disappointed. She will go through many failed relationships till she realizes that she’s got to understand that a man is not a “woman” by any standard.
To hope that the man you marry will not look at porn is completely unrealistic. To hope that the man you marry will not look at the bodies of other women, and will not feel aroused by naked images of glorified women, is completely unrealistic. It’s like hoping a bull with not charge at red.
If a man cheats on you, treats you bad, disrespects you or humiliates you in any way, go ahead and dump him because that’s not what a relationship should be about. But don’t dump him because he looks at porn, that’s ridiculous; watching porn has nothing to do with what he feels towards you as a person.
You have to understand that a man does not compare his girlfriend or his wife to a porn star. His wife or girlfriend trigger emotions of love, and also feeling of sexual attraction, in him but the images of glorified naked woman only arouse him through visual stimulation. There is absolutely no comparison between the two in a man’s mind.
If you feel inferior because you compare your body with that of a porn star it’s completely unnecessary because your man is not doing such comparisons in his mind. Love and “sexual” arousal go hand in hand for most women, but for men they are two totally different planes. Why is this so? Because it is the way nature has made man.
If men and women had the same drives and instincts there would be no spice left in this world, don’t you agree? Nature knows what it’s doing; it created a man different from a woman because it had to be that way for the sake of evolution.
A fulfilling relationship is only possible when a woman really understands what a man is and a man really understands what a woman is, without one wanting to change the other. This is the foundation or the secret to a stable and happy “man and woman” relationship.
To imagine that a man is disrespecting you by looking at porn images of made up girls is so completely the wrong perception. It’s very unfortunate that many women suffer from such misplaced perceptions. But that’s what whatdomenreallythink.com is here for, to help improve relationships by giving women an insight into a man’s body and mind.
Response from Jane:
I know very well that men are very visualy stimulated, and that it is hard for them to resist from looking at images of glorified women, but at the end of the day, so many women would not feel half as bad about themselves if their man was looking at pictures of normal women, rather than women with fake breasts. After seing what I saw, I feel like I should be stuffed with silicone. And I won’t and can’t, be intimate with this man ever again without feeling insecure, I’ve never had insecurities up until now, and now I understand why so many women feel they have to change themselves. Why can’t men look at pictures of women with realistic body proportions? Pornography and access to images of naked women has only became more of a normality and routine for a man since every one in their homes had internet access. Look back at the days were men couldn’t just latch onto the computer and look at this stuff to wank off, it wasn’t always so easy for men to do this was it? So that’s why it’s became a ‘normality’ now. The only naked body a man should be looking at when in a relationship is their partners body. I know a lot of respectable older men, who are not from our computer upbringing generation, and they do not look at porn, I have talked to various people on different websites also, and found some men that are bringing up the question themselves, asking other men why they look at porn when they have partners.
There are men out there that exist that know it’s wrong in a relationship to lust after other women, and they don’t do it, there may only be few men that don’t, but still, there is. And they’re generally older, because there was a day when gentlemen respected their love ones. I’m bisexual, I am pretty sure i’m out for a woman now, because I am day by day losing all my respect for men. As i’m sure many women are but feel they can’t do anything about it. I refuse to feel like that I would actually rather be alone than be with a man that thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable. It’s not ridiculous to dump a man because he looks at porn. It’s ridiculous that men don’t realise how much they can effect a womans well being, women are going under the knife to acheive unrealistic bodies. If all women stood up for themselves like me and said nope, not having that, there would be a lot of sad lonely men wanking over fake women, either that or they would shape up and find the meaning of respect and self control. Porn can destroy familys and marriages, and you think it’s okay? That says it all, sorry, but i’m entitled to my opinion, and you are yours. But I won’t back down from the way I feel about this issue, I hope other women out there have the same attitude towards this as me and are strong enough to voice it out. It’s time for men to feel lousy about themselves, cause i’m sick of it.
Our Response:
I totally agree with your point that if more men realized how much their habit can negatively impact their woman, they would stop doing it. Having said that, I don’t want to add anything further to this debate.
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